Cecil Sirius Seaside

so, we are now almost precisely halfway through our travels. we left san francisco on may 7th and will be returning sometime in early july. so, one of the things i have been thinking about throughout this trip, and in particular during the 3 and a half months so far that i have spent out of the country, is the question of personal change. there is this idea that travel will change a person in some deep and meaningful ways. being without a stable home, seeing so much of the world, meeting and existing within other cultures etc. and i have been feeling sort of like a failure so far for not feeling "different". i may have said it here before, but here's the deal:

i'm still me. i'm still hanging out every day with ian, who is still ian. am i being obvious here? my brain doesn't feel different, my body doesn't feel different (although actually i am in less pain probably because i have virtually no stress). my thoughts don't feel different. sometimes i am homesick. sometimes i am excited about the next place we'll be. sometimes i am content. sometimes i am tired and grumpy. sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i want to be surrounded by people. i still love the same people i loved when i left san francisco 7 months ago and the states 4 months ago. i still miss them. so, where is this difference i am supposed to feel? how do i come back "changed" if i can't sense any change?

hmm. well, i had my first hint, i guess, during my time in florida. i was in florida with my family for about three weeks and it was so good to see them, to relax, to have a homebase, to be just comfortable and safe. i had really mixed emotions on leaving, actually. ready to go back out into the world, but sort of nervous again.

anyhow, being back in the states, in a familiar setting, did give me a hint to some changes. a difference in how i see the world that i hadn't noticed when i was moving moving moving. so, maybe i will never feel different. how can i? i am me slowly growing and changing every day as always. but i at least have a bit of a hint as to the kinds of differences this trip is already making.

i have less of a desire to have stuff. i have always been torn between a strong anti-consumerism philosophy and a love of shopping and cute things. the lack of ability to have cute things (both because of money and because of the practicalities of travel) has made me both more content to have little and more appreciative of what i do have. i'm sure being outside of the usa, and in particular in some places (with more to come) where so many people have so little is also a part of this. i have more of a sense than i did before (which was already a pretty good sense) of what else money can do in this great big world. more of a sense of the smallness of the great big world. with the widening of my community also comes, inevitably, the widening of whom i feel responsible towards, which piece of the world i consider the society that i am a part of.

not to be on a high horse...just something i've noticed and something i'm sure will change as i travel more, and change again when i'm back home for awhile. but a perspective that i'd like to try to keep fresh for as long as i can. and along with that perspective, i'd also like to remember that every dollar i spend is a choice. i can choose, even when i am buying things i don't NEED, where i am buying them. what they are from whom they come.

i don't know. there are other things along those lines. waste of energy. water. thoughts on friendships and on family. i'll save some for later.

now i'm in israel. tel aviv to be precise. ian and i are living with and hanging out with emily (and her roommate, aviv, and her three cats) for the next couple of months.



we're going to egypt on sunday for like 11 days, most of which are on an organized trip that takes us to the main sites. after that we'll be back in israel and will take some time to decide where else we want to go. i've already seen much of the country, so i'm letting ian decide. we definitely will take a trip to sinai for relaxing and we'll go to jordan, at least to petra. and we plan to go to as many demos as we can, to hopefully do some volunteer work at a community center in east jerusalem, and to just hang out and get to know tel aviv. tomorrow night we're going out dancing.

in other news, as you read earlier, i am not pregnant. i've taken a second pregnancy test and am still not pregnant. but i also still haven't gotten my period since september sometime. trying not to fret since i'm sure it's just travel plus lack of birth control adjustments. but it makes me a little concerned.\

for anyone who is curious and hasn't kept track, this is a list of the countries we've been to so far:
( countries )

and the ones we are still planning on going to:
( more )

I just deleted a bunch of friends - like 2/3rds of my friends. Most of the people never post anymore and I am guessing are not even here anymore.It is shocking to see, really, how many people do not post anymore and how fast it changed. It wasn't until I was looking at that list that I saw all these names and remembered them posting a lot not that long ago.

Well, I didn't want to offer up my meager postings to a room of people who are not on the boat, so i cut things down and will cut down more in the future. If you have been cut and you feel you want to be re-added let me know.